Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
