I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize