I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
