At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
