the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
