do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
