the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
bring money and cleavage
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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