just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he thought i was a dude.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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