Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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