You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
