I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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