I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
