I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
