we have officially lost it.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
