Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
