drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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