my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
