I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
