Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
