What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
