omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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