I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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