she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
