I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize