I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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