Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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