I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
