listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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