We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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