I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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