chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize