My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
