does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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