Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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