I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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