lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
