Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
