she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
