I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize