Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
