I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
