my shit smells like andre
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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