I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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