Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize