Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
