do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
