I faked an abortion last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
