At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
