I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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