just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I didn't notice because vodka
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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