At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Randomize
