I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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