Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
