she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
