What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
