First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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