I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
