i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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