I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
