I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
